The
sun soaks my face and it is radiant. It seems to penetrate the
ice-cracked window that so fragilely separates me from the altitude
of 30,000 feet and unfathomable, choking cold. Up here as I lay my
face on the window, letting the sun blind me because I love it, I can
see everything. I see the clouds below me and when they part, I see
ice and land and more icebergs than is imaginable. They really are
like a fleet of sailboats drifting, ever so steadily, to their
unknown destination. They look lazy and viscous all at once. Up here
I can see the white peaks and the cold, almost marine blue of the
lower part of the iceberg, the part that isn't visible down there. It
is the same blue that you sometimes see on the upper part of the
windshields on minivans in Canada, which is where we are going.
"Going home" I said earlier. Maybe if I start calling it
that now, it will feel more like it quicker.
Up
here I can also look across at a vast "floor" of cloud -
solid and yet completely capable of suddenly being opaque. I keep
thinking about cheesy Jesus films where you see him walking across
the moving clouds in billowing white robes. And I keep wishing it
will come true. And it has. God is here, sitting beside me, in the
hearts of varying people on this plane, even walking towards me on
the clouds. And he is smiling, saying, "Come, Katy. Come home."
And I am coming. What is most beautiful to me is that I can find God
anywhere and he is home to me. As I gazed into the Sun, I could feel
his presence so strongly - soothing, gentle, encouraging and I was
so overwhelmed by his blessings that continue and evolve into even
greater blessings. How dear he is to me, how precious a friend. I
also felt his strength take my weakness and hammer it down, refine it
in his flame of power and pour the scalding hot, melting liquid into
my body. His energy, flowing through my veins, pulsing with heat and
excitement, churning with the quick pain of surrendering and once
cooled, refreshing me with the steady promise that comes with being
surrendered. Then my mind was filled with ideas and prayers and hopes
for my new year, a year that is dedicated fully to God's glory. I
prayed for many things for friends, family, for myself... and then I
smiled. I want all of those to come true. I want my friends to have
joy, truth, courage, to make wonderful, new friends. I want my
parents to be welcomed home, to feel they belong and to impact those
around them. I want Bethany to love every minute of her music, to
treasure her best friends and the love they pour into her. I want a
job, I want a friend. And then the most reassuring thought: If none
of those come true, I have hope and a love that will never wax and
wane, a love that is selfless and doesn't need anything, not even me.
But HE wants ME. So much. And I realize the basic thing, the only
thing I really want or need is the strength to follow his will
totally and completely. After that all things will fall into their
proper place. But my heart must also be in its proper place. And that
is my goal for this year.
I
asked God if he could just take this plane in his fingers and pull it
right up to Him and he said not yet. And I don't really want that.
Not because I don't want to see him, not because it isn't my greatest
desire but because I have life, energy, strength in my blood, and it
is not my own. It is a gift and I want to share it. I no longer want
to be ashamed of the gospel sometimes but so proud of my faith at
other times. I no longer want to be constrained and stifled by my
human desires, ambitions, conscientiousness and fear. I want to be
God's. And he who began a good work in me is faithful to complete it.
What a promise, what a hope to cling to. So I will give, and God will
replenish. My dad just reminded me of the verse God gave me for this
year. Paul says he has found the secret for being content in all
situations. I'm not sure what the secret was but I have found one.
For me, the secret of being content is loving my eyes because Jesus
is looking out of them. When Jesus is no longer confined to just my
heart but he is living in each and every part of me... speaking
through my mouth, touching through my hands, listening through my
ears, loving selflessly through my heart, seeing through my eyes,
THEN, then will I have found the secret. Now I must only begin living
like I have found it. And what a perfect opportunity, a new season,
fresh life, to begin. To begin the journey that never stops. To
follow on the road, to step in the footsteps of my LORD.
When
I see the "invisible" part of the icebergs, I wonder if
that is what God feels like, looking down on us, seeing all of us
that is not visible on earth - knowing the good, knowing the bad and
loving us. I see him getting so excited to start chiseling away on
that block of ice, to create something beautiful, without blemish and
as he works, revealing it fully, showing every part, complete and
incomplete, to the world. And they are blinded by its beauty. Not
because it is perfect, but because it is flawed and willing to be
reformed.
Here's to a future full of goodbyes and an eternity full of hellos.
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